I sit here confused. Frustrated, even, about my confusion.
A ball bouncing around in my head as if two athletic people are playing a challenging game of racquetball…
Two very familiar thoughts…
“You’re doing great. You’re taking on a lot and it’s
okay to be drained. Stay focused on what you love.
All that matters is that you love yourself and do
not care what everyone else thinks.”
“I can’t believe I’ve barely gotten anywhere. I don’t make
enough money. F it, I’ll just spend what I have on the things
I really want; I pay my credit card on time every month.
Why don’t I have friends? Why aren’t I social? Why am I
always bored? I shouldn’t be sleeping 8 hours,
I should be sleeping 5.”
It’s so difficult to comprehend how happy, calm, & positive I was when I woke up this morning. Am I dreaming?
How can I feel this now when I was feeling that then
I’m literally screaming in my head.
“Is anyone there? I need answers!!!”
I escape from my chaotic mind by DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIORS
So innocent. So simple, yet so destructive.
“Cookies must be made.” “We don’t have any chocolate, lets get chocolate” “Where are my cheez-its?”
“Alright, lets take all this food and go zone out on the television. I don’t want to think right now”
I can’t understand why I do this.
It’s easy, yes….but so is taking a walk.
Why do I choose black instead of white? Gray is there too, ya know?
I am capable of so much. I really don’t get it. I woke up as myself this morning.
Now, I’m another person at night.
My sincerest appreciation to you for taking the time to read my entry/entries. If I can incite happiness and/or hope in just 1 person’s life, that is enough. There is a stigma against mental illness. That it has a certain face or feature. It doesn’t.
xoxo
Allison/AllyNik
allynikk.wordpress.com 