a disaster of a week

It’s only Wednesday. I’m already SO OVER this week; it’s been disastrous.

My motivation is almost nonexistent and I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing much. It’s hard to believe in ‘what is meant to happen, will happen’.


I guess you could say this is the week of utmost discouragement.

As I have described before, I have digestive and stomach issues which are unknown [right now] as to the specific causes. For the past couple of weeks, one of my doctors and I have been trying to figure out if my constant depression and lack of motivation is a result of my bad diet and/or unresolved stomach issues.

I was supposed to have a doctor’s appointment this morning. Supposed to.

I was so excited. (I know, weird, right?) Maybe I could walk out of that office and finally have some answers. Maybe I have a condition, or allergies, or SOMETHING that can help explain my problems.

I arrive early & belch out some Demi Lovato songs in my car while I wait. I finally go inside…I haven’t been to this specific office in so long and that, actually, is kind of intimidating. As I hand my medical card to the clerk to check in, she starts typing and clicking away. Now it starting to be “too long” of a time to check in. Uh Oh. Something’s wrong.

She informed me that my medical insurance has been terminated. Terminated? Are you serious?

Granted, my current bill was late but, my god, I pay about $400.00 per month. I’ve tried to pay online many times, but it wouldn’t let me (I didn’t know it was terminated at that moment).


I’m struggling, but I’m trying to work as much as possible. I am late on one payment. ONE payment. I literally can’t believe this is happening to me.


I don’t know why, but when the clerk told me all of this, I responded with, “okay I’ll cancel my appointment then.” For some reason, I then said, “I’m so sorry.” I apologized to her. Like I should’ve known that this happened. Like I was apologizing for even coming into contact with her for a [now] pointless reason. I took up her time and I was sorry about that?

90% of my work is in front of a computer. Within the last 7 days, I’ve had a migraine for about 4 or 5 of those days. They keep getting worse, too. It’s like dizziness and disorientation and confusion. So I can’t exactly sit for hours and hours and work more than I already am.

Part of me thinks I should be able to. “Stop being such a baby. Any normal person can work through shit like this.” This is me talking to……well….me.

If I know anything at this point (besides not having medical insurance), it’s that I am not normal.



My sincerest appreciation to you for taking the time to read my entry/entries. If I can incite happiness and/or hope in just 1 person’s life, that is enough. There is a stigma against mental illness. That it has a certain face or feature. It doesn’t. 


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