No excuse

I could give you so many excuses as to why my blog is not being updated.
I could tell you that I’m studying or working or doing more important things. I could tell you things that would seemingly be more respectable.

But the truth is, I’m not.

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Realistically, I’ve thought everyday about leaving this world, partly due to a shortage of medication because I don’t quite have medical insurance back. It is, yet, so hard to believe that I feel this way strictly because of medication. I don’t want to admit its control over me.

I have discovered new issues about myself that I must shed light on to get any sort of relief. This list of issues is endless.

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So
I’ve worked what I can, came home relieved of basically having no more outside obligations, barely eat except for boxes and boxes of girl scout cookies, and I’ve watched too much Netflix.

And this is probably contributing to my moods as well.

My diet should be fresh fruits, vegetables, and some legumes. I haven’t followed that this weekend. So, of course I’ll feel horrible. Why would I expect otherwise when I’m knowingly consuming things I shouldn’t be?

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Depression is a funny thing to feel.
And verbal abuse makes the beliefs you have about yourself just that much more believable.

“But it’s better than the previous relationships and their abuse,” I say to myself.

I spend most of my time around one person. Why shouldn’t I believe the things they say about me? They’re around me most.

But then there’s family. Lucky for me, I have a supportive family. That doesn’t mean I believe the things the say. I should though, shouldn’t I?
I have them on my other side, talking rationally to me, disproving what I’ve been believing of myself.

But I’m still conflicted. Who do I listen to?

I am more afraid of living than I am of dying.

 

 

My sincerest appreciation to you for taking the time to read my entry/entries. If I can incite happiness and/or hope in just 1 person’s life, that is enough. There is a stigma against mental illness. That it has a certain face or feature. It doesn’t. 

xoxo

Allison/AllyNik

 

One Reply to “No excuse”

  1. I understand depression and yes, it takes over, makes you feel like you are a failure and certain people around you may not help that. If the people in your circle can’t have compassion and understanding then you are better off alone because they are toxic to you. That being said Girl Scout cookies can totally make you feel better:) I hear chocolate raises your serotonin! At least temporarily. By the way, you aren’t relying on medication, you need it. Your brain is not working properly and the medication helps that. You and I know that. A lot of people in the world don’t understand that. Just as a diabetic needs insulin, we need medication as well. In fact, sometimes ours is worse because you can’t see it. A healthy brain is as important as a healthy body. I hope this helps, but I know when your down and out, not much does. I hope you have a better day tomorrow. One day at a time. Don’t forget to check out some mindfulness videos:)

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