Day 18/100

100DaysPart1

MARCH 4

List 10 things you are grateful for.

Awh. I’m so happy to do this one! I really need to start my gratitude journal soon.

  1. Family
    Well, I think this is a given for most people. Throughout the years, I’ve become more and more aware of how many people don’t have family members that are there for them, my boyfriend being one of them. Of course, all families have their battles, though. I’ve been lucky enough to have both sides of my family there for me. They always welcome me back with open arms if I need a new home, as long as I’m not a deadbeat & keep working.
  2. Boyfriend
    You know, every relationship has their ups and downs. It’s been 4 years and we have been through a lot. I remember when I first saw him and he remembers when he first got his eye on me. He was the first man to actually take me on a proper first date. He was patient with me when I would have panic episodes about something in my past (it’s a certain thing that I don’t want to talk about). He’s helped me through my extreme trust issues with others. He would never lay a hand on me in an abusive way. He protects me and makes me feel safe. He has never stopped calling me beautiful even when I feel the ugliest. Okay I’ll stop being sappy. You get the point.
  3. Lotus, my kitten / Pets in general
    I’ve never actually owned my own pet. My parents had pets when I was growing up. I had 2 dogs that I lived with for many years: Jordan and Hazel. They passed a couple years ago. They were the closest I had to my own pets. My boyfriend has a cat that, obviously, has been living with us.
    Apartment charges cat rent but the damn cat doesn’t even work, pfft….
    She’s 16 now, so she doesn’t do anything except sleep. Sometimes she’ll run around with the kitten. Anyways, pets are therapeutic. As someone with major depression and anxiety, my kitten helps me a lot. If I’m down in the dumps, she’ll lay next to me or bring me a toy. She’s my child. I play hide and seek with her and she’ll [somewhat] play fetch. Really, I just love watching the silly stuff she does. I get a lot of happiness and companionship from her.
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  4. Job opportunity
    One of my first posts on my blog was about how stuck I felt in an unhappy and unhealthy job. Here is the post. One of the best things I ever did was set aside my fear of being unemployed and broke. I followed my intuition and, after many panic attacks directly related to the job, I gave my notice. Little did I know that a month later, I would have one of the best job opportunities offered to me. The ability to work on my own schedule and work doing stuff that I like to do and not have to feel like I’m under-performing is something I can’t complain about. I’m very lucky that this job fell into my lap when it did. Better yet, I am about to become certified in permanent cosmetic tattooing, which is what my work is all about.
  5. School
    I get more excited about school than I probably should. There are so many things that I am interested in studying. My parents and grandparents didn’t attend anything after high school so I was determined to get an undergraduate degree and a graduate degree. Right now, I am putting myself through school as much as I can. While my parents are there for me, they don’t give me any financial help unless I’m in a really tough spot. To pay for school and also provide for my life, I have to work full time. But do you understand how expensive schooling is? It is nearly impossible for a student to put themselves through school while holding a full-time job without going into debt. I do a lot of online classes and then night classes if I have to go on campus, but I’m really glad that I have that flexibility. I plan to eventually get a doctorate, but that probably won’t be for another 30 years.
  6. My therapist & psychiatrist
    It took me a very long time to find a therapist and a psychiatrist that I can fully trust and who I believe will lead me in the direction that is best for me. I’ve never felt more listened to or more understood with anyone else. They’re attentive and they’re always there. Even when my medical insurance was canceled, they still would help me through email & phone as much as they could. The psychiatrist I had before misdiagnosed me which led to being put on a medication that completely fucked with me. I would sleep for 15 hours a day & didn’t have feelings; I felt like a robot. Plus, he didn’t really listen to me and seemed like he wanted me to get out of his office ASAP. I am so glad my psychiatrist now is the complete opposite and knows what she’s talking about.
  7. Medical insurance
    For a little while, I was stuck without medical insurance. Medical insurance is not something I used just for yearly check-ups. I go to therapy/psychiatry, I’m on medications (some that are originally very expensive), I’m practically blind without my contacts or glasses, I have problems with my stomach that are still not diagnosed (a high alkaline diet helps though), and I’ve had some issues with dissociation, depersonalization, confusion, loss of balance, and memory loss since my car accident in 2016. Without medical insurance, I don’t think I’d still be alive. Maybe I’m being dramatic, maybe I’m not, but I am so thankful for such great insurance coverage (although very very expensive).
  8. My one friend
    It may sound pathetic, but I am not one to have a large group of friends. I like to keep my circle very small and limited to people who are trustworthy and always there. I’m gonna refer to one specific friend as “A”. “A” and I have been friends since middle school. For a little while, we lost touch & then found each other again in high school through mutual friends. She’s an amazing person and she’s always been there for me. She’s understanding, non-judgemental, positive, fun, and honest. I haven’t spoken to her in a while and, to be honest, I believe I am completely at fault. I don’t reach out anymore because I am now sober and feel uncomfortable going to bars and parties, and stupidly believe that is all we can do as friends. That’s what we’ve done as friends. We’ve had some of the best times, but I now feel like I am such a bore. Now, she’s moved farther away and we’ve both just gone on with our lives. I miss her terribly, but even when we go through periods of not talking or catching up, she is always right there if I need her.
  9. Readers & followers
    Let’s get sappy a little bit, just between you and me. This blog is my outlet. Ive had journals, but I usually stop writing in them after a couple of weeks for some reason. Through this blog, I’ve found that I am not alone in how I feel or how I perceive the world around me. People who are unknown to me, except behind a social media profile, have come out of the woodwork just to give words of encouragement and compliments. Really, I can’t even convey to you how happy it makes me to see that others read my posts. I’ve learned not to be ashamed of what I struggle with and, with that, I have become extremely transparent. I don’t want anyone to feel alone in what they struggle with and my goal has always been to write things that are honest, but also relatable. If you’ve come this far through this entry (because it is a long one), I want you to know how much I appreciate you and how valuable your feedback/comments/attention is.
  10. The value of money
    I feel like today more than ever I see kids and adolescents being handed things by their parents almost as if parenting is a chore and they just want their children to leave them alone. For most of us, it’s hard sometimes to watch someone have everything they ever wanted handed to them on a silver platter. We sit there and think ‘they are so lucky’. Are they really, though? My parents divorced when my brother and I were pretty young. They weren’t well off and they sometimes struggled to keep a roof over our heads; at one point, we were actually evicted. They both worked so hard to provide and it wasn’t too often that my brother and I would be spoiled. Now that I’m an adult, I value that; I value their struggles as single parents. It taught me not to take advantage of things and taught me what things are more important than others. I value income and money. I value hard work. I always say, “Even if I were to win the lottery, I would still work full time,” because I can’t imagine how useless I’d feel if I didn’t work.

 

xoxoxo
AllyNikk/Allison

Divide

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