Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

For the past week, I’ve been in such a rut that I can’t seem to shake. I rack my brain trying to figure out where this is coming from; where does this feeling originate? What I keep coming back to is this:

I’m unhappy.

I keep telling myself that I need to just keep things to myself until my next therapy appointment. To be honest, I don’t think I can. The appointment is 17 days away.

I also believe that I am just “waiting” for my therapy appointment so I don’t have to make any decisions myself or put any blame on myself for any decisions that are made.

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My lease has to either be renewed or I have to give them my 30 day notice by March 18th. This is the hardest decision I’ve had to make within the last year.

I don’t want to give up my apartment. I love where I live and I love living on my own (away from my parents). I’ve had such a rocky past when it comes to moving.
Moved out at 18
Moved back with my mom at 19
Moved in with my grandma for the next year or so
Moved back in with my mom
Moved in with my [now] boyfriend
Moved to my dads (due to relationship problems)
Moved back in with my boyfriend

Stability is not my strongest quality.

But I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I don’t want to be with anyone anymore. I want to be in a relationship with myself.

I’m sick and tired of all the messiness
Of all the trash
Of all the food particles left everywhere
Of the mediocre attempt to “clean”
Of the blame that I get when I kindly ask about these things
Of the wall that I end up talking to when I say my thoughts

I’ve been convinced, since I’m the one diagnosed with mental illnesses, that I am the one who is to blame for every single problem

I’m logical. Deep down, I know I am not the blame for most things.

I express my feelings.
I get angry responses and shown that my feelings are invalid.
It’s come to the point where I don’t want to feel anymore.

Last time we argued, I said, “I honestly believe that the only way to fix things is to do counseling together.”

[laughs] “That’s a little extreme”

Feelings invalidated.

I’m not convinced that this is fixable anymore.

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I can’t get over my pride, though.

Moving out & being single would mean moving back in with my mom.
I interpret this as I have failed.

She has a 7 year old, my sister. She doesn’t need her oldest child back in the house. I’m 25. I’m grown. I’m an adult. She doesn’t need my stress too.

 

I can’t afford to live on my own yet. Rent in California is beyond expensive.

But as a single person, I have so many ideas for my future. I’m excited about them until I remember that being with someone means they make half of the decisions too.

 

I’m running out of things to say. My brain is so jumbled right now.

But I think that I’ve answered my own questions.

The question now is: Do I have the strength to commit to that answer?

 

 

Originally, I didn’t want this post to be “public”; I wanted only my followers to be able to see this. There is a chance that he might see this. At this point, I don’t really care anymore. I feel so invalidated and so low, that I just don’t care.
Thank you for even reading this. I just needed to get it out of me; I needed to write it down. I’m a mess, but thank you.
xoxo
AllyNikk/Allison

2 Replies to “Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea”

  1. I’m sorry about all this. 😕 Living with people is hard; you’re not the only one who has felt that way. I read your day 18/100, where you expressed the things you’re grateful for, and I liked what you said about your WordPress followers. We all need a community/support group to build each other up and let each other know that we’re not alone in our struggles. I totally understand that you needed to vent, and I hope you feel better now that you have. I hope that things will get better and that you’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 💡😊

  2. Thank you so much! You are so sweet! That’s why I love WordPress. The community is so open, accepting, and supportive. I definitely feel a bit better and your comment really helps ❤️

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