I didn’t start smoking weed until I was 19. In high school, I was always disgusted with the smell. Ironically enough, I experimented with much harder drugs before I started smoking weed and I was also addicted to Oxycodone/Norcos. I quickly started smoking multiple times per day because of the intense feeling of happiness and calmness that I otherwise lacked in my life. My four-year relationship [now] was built around smoking weed together. Multiple times per week we would eat edibles, sometimes too much. It was great, I must admit. We laughed so much together and bonded over the drug. Needless to say, it’s been a huge adjustment with getting sober while he continued to smoke daily.
Soon, I was becoming suicidal and miserable with life and I would smoke and drink to ignore the feelings. After all, being high is a wonderful feeling. I started going to therapy regularly due to my depression. It took me a very long time to be honest with my therapist about my regular pot use. I knew she would recommend to stop, but I just wasn’t ready. During one therapy session, something changed, and I decided to be completely honest with her. If I wasn’t honest, how could she help me? She wasn’t disappointed. Moreover, she had the expression of “that explains why you haven’t been improving much.” Just like I had guessed, she told me that I needed to quit completely and immediately because it interferes with the 3 medications that I take daily.
Now, let me paint you a picture of my living situation at that time:
My boyfriend and I living with a roommate who is known to just party. The apartment was not taken care of. Pieces of carpet were missing. There were holes punched in the walls. All of the appliances were rusty. Bongs were on display everywhere throughout the house. Jars of weed were always out on the coffee table. There were ashtrays everywhere. It was disgusting.
Even living in that environment, I never caved. I stopped smoking immediately and never gave in to my darkest desires. Sure, I saw how happy they were and I wanted to feel that again. Going from daily use to no use, I had a horrible mindset that was going to adjust very slowly through the next year. I can admit, at first, I was a complete mess. I was feeling every hidden, repressed emotion that I got rid of by getting high. I had to increase my therapy visits. She had to keep explaining to me that I was feeling all of the emotions that I was ignoring and that it will be a learning adjustment on how to cope with them and how to respond to them.
What were the first noticeably positive effects of quitting? My mind felt clear. I felt like my judgement was no longer clouded. I felt like I could understand things with a much deeper meaning. My logical thinking was getting sharper. I no longer felt like I needed to rely on something to make me laugh or feel happy. Fast forward about 1 year…I still had no temptations to smoke. My opinions had changed. I started removing myself from situations or places that incorporated weed. I felt like the toxicity in my life was slowly fading away. For a long time, I continued to live in that same apartment. I was around it every single day. Eventually, I got fed up with the lack of cleanliness and the all-around laziness, so I moved out. I moved an hour away. I had to commute every single day to work, school, and therapy, but it was so much better than living in that apartment.
From my experience, I started to become a bit pushy around others [whom I loved], trying to convince them to stop. I knew how clouded the mind was. I knew how limited my emotions were. I knew how much better life was when my head was clear. How would it not be the same for others? I quickly got over that pushy phase because it wasn’t helpful; if anything, it did more damage to the relationship I had with the person. I’m not going to lie, it took me a long time to work through the repressed emotions and to keep moving forward. I’m not going to lie and say that it was easy and that I noticed a positive difference immediately. It was difficult. There were times where I was so depressed and thought about how much better it would be to die. For a year, I couldn’t be left alone in the house for more than a day. I lived with my dad, stepmom, and stepsister. They would leave to their other house sometimes on the weekends. Some of those days, I would just cry all day, feeling so alone. Every friend that I had was a smoker and I no longer felt like I belonged anywhere. It wasn’t easy, but I was determined.
I don’t regret the decision to quit.
I don’t think I’ll ever smoke again.
This has been my experience within the past two years. Everyone differs in how they perceive life, whether they’re high or not. By no means am I trying to put any pressure on anyone. Happiness is essential. If smoking helps you cope, relieves stress, alleviates pain, or anything else that is beneficial, then keep going. For me, I used it to block trauma and to specifically not deal with some emotions. I want you to be happy. If smoking weed is part of that, then I don’t think any less of you. This is solely my story, my perception, and my decision and I chose to share it on my blog.
Thank you guys so much