A Different Life in My Head

I do wonder if this is a sign of yet another undiagnosed mental illness.

I have a separate life in my head that I frequently think about. Really, it’s hard to put into words.

I imagine myself, in similar situations, but having different reactions than what I physically express.

Right now, I almost feel like this fantasy land is close enough to touch; it’s literally right there.

While this fantasy land includes my ideal actions and reactions, my anxiety and panic are in it too. Depression has a place there as well. What is so different is that the emotions in the life in my head are so extreme, and seem so unattainable.

May I describe my mind right now?

I have to make an important decision tonight and act on it. Unfortunately, the decision is basically do i respect myself or not? I have to act on this decision immediately so that there is no time to rationalize the millions of broken promises that I’ve encountered. Physically, I do not feel strong enough to do this.

But this life in my head… This life is happy and free. This life has opportunities that I wouldn’t otherwise get. I can feel the excitement and the freedom within me as I delve into this fantasy land. Then, I remember that it’s all in my head. But is it really? This life in my head is pushing me towards freedom. These things…they’re obtainable, if I make the right decision to respect myself. I can already feel the motivation that I’ll have after I take this big leap. It’s freeing. I’m happy. I’m hopeful.

This life in my head, I can picture my straight A’s in school. And a temporary career shift that has so much opportunity. And the traveling that I am dying to do. I can even picture me moving far, far away. I can picture all of this goodness that I will achieve within the next couple of years.

I just can’t stop living in my mind. Somehow, something tells me that I shouldn’t stop living in my mind in this situation until the decision is made and FINAL to respect myself.

 

xoxo
AllyNikk/Allison