Day 67/100

100DaysPart2

JUNE 3

Cut out negative people.

It’s no secret that I have terrible social anxiety and rarely go out, therefore, I don’t necessarily have “negative” people in my life. Someone who I was friends with for a very, very long time was one of the people I had to cut out for my mental health and physical well-being. This was years ago, though, but that was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Most recently would be my relationship & me deciding to end things. I wish I could convey through my blog how much I didn’t want to do this and that I wanted him to simply just “grow up”, or my definition of “grow up”. He is still so dear to my heart and I still wish things were different, but that is something I cannot force to change. Plus, this is my extremely codependent side of me. I’m a fixer; I like to try and fix people. My decision to cut out weed, alcohol, and the rare occasions of other substances was needed. My mental health wasn’t improving and I started relying on things to get my mind off of my bad days. I was still around this stuff though so, really, it didn’t make too much of a difference. It finally got to a point where I was so unhappy in the presence of this stuff, that I started to really go down hill. I slept too much, I repressed all feelings, and my breakdowns were beginning to scare me. I would clench my fists and dig my nails into my palms in a bad attempt to not harm myself. I wanted so badly to be taken out of this life and I thought about overdosing many times. I just wanted things to change between us; I wanted him to realize how much better life can be without substance clouding the mind constantly. This is him, though. This is how he copes and he enjoys it. I cannot change that, but I also couldn’t stick around anymore with a false sense of hope.

To tell you the truth, I am much happier now. I am still coming out of my low state that I was in for so long and it’s still a challenge. My anxiety, my depression, everything bad has been cut in half; I was constantly worrying about what & when our next argument would be. It’s a relief to not have that anymore. Ending a somewhat toxic relationship has also made me realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself. I want to accomplish so many things that a relationship will just get in the way of. I’m not healthy and I need to focus on changing that…not on my future husband.

xoxo
AllyNikk/Allison

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