Day 92/100

100DaysPart2

JULY 12

What is something that you thought you couldn’t live without?

For a long time I relied on others for pretty much every decision in my life. I’m not going to lie, I still do this, but I’m getting better everyday as I grow up and fill my brain with more wisdom. Something, or rather someone, I thought I couldn’t live without is a significant other. I thought that the love of someone else, anyone, meant that I was doing something right. Why else would they be with me?? I needed their acceptance, their permission, to be living.

From ages 14-18 I was in one relationship. We moved in together during the last year of the relationship and it was so unbelievably toxic. He was going to school and got an amazing job, which he was constantly at. Because of this lack of attention all of the time, I felt worthless and that I didn’t deserve a life because I wasn’t being paid attention to. About a month or so after the relationship ended, I got into another one. Was I ready? Hell No. But I needed attention from someone. Without going into too much detail, the attention I got out of this relationship was extremely abusive and almost ended in death. After that relationship, I immediately got into another one. This guy was actually decent, although extremely immature – we both were. It was also a pretty toxic environment, but I thought I needed the attention to live. By the time that relationship ended, I was 20. Finally, I stayed single for a little over a year until I met my ex. Up until I met my ex, I still craved attention from anyone and went out drinking a lot. The relationship that just ended about 2 months ago (I was with him for 4 years), was toxic towards the end. I changed and grew up more than I ever imagined I would, which led me on a different path than his. Ultimately, that’s what ended it. He is an amazing guy. I’m not too sure how I was so fortunate enough to meet him. He always told me how beautiful I was and was so supportive. Overall, he treated me very well. It took me a long time to accept that we were going separate ways, I didn’t want to be without him. I was so stubborn. I’m still trying to adjust to not having someone, but I’m doing better than I thought I would do. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I would live through the break up. But here I am. I do miss him tremendously, but I’m realizing that I don’t need him, or a significant other in general. I do hope the next girl that comes around is good to him, he deserves it more than anything.

So, I sit here now with no desire to be anyone’s significant other. I want to be better for myself. I want to gain more wisdom and have more empathy. I still struggle sometimes with thoughts of loneliness, but I’ve learned that it’s temporary and I am aware of when I start thinking co-dependently.

This is a long one, but thank you for reading. I really opened my heart on this one.

xoxo
AllyNikk/Allison

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