Sometimes, I Miss Being Severely Underweight


I’ll be honest…I’ve been struggling on this topic lately.

Like many girls in high school, I struggled with how I perceived myself. Coupled with depression and anxiety, this was just something else to battle. I watched America’s Next Top Model religiously and wanted to receive the same attention as those on the show. That’s where my eating issues started. I wasn’t being bullied about my weight (at least not until I was 18), I didn’t grow up on a strict regimen of meals, I didn’t have the “normal” circumstances that would cause me to develop a dysfunctional perception of myself.

While I was still in high school, I started to make up excuses as to why I didn’t eat all of my dinner. When I didn’t have an excuse, I would secretly slip my dogs some of my food so it would appear like I had eaten. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t harm my dogs by giving them too much human food or giving them the wrong human food; I loved them more than anything.

6 Days after I turned 18, my boyfriend (at the time) and I moved into an apartment in Hollywood. This gave me the ultimate opportunity to completely control what I ate or didn’t eat. Additionally, my apartment complex had a small gym that I could utilize to drop even more weight than I already had. Living in Hollywood was toxic, it only fed all of my dysfunctional thinking and put me on a path of destruction.

At my lowest, I was 110 pounds. That may seem like a normal weight to anyone until I tell you that I am 5 feet 8 inches tall. 110 pounds is severely underweight for my height. I wore size 0-1 in jeans, which is equivalent to 24-25 inches. That’s tiny! I was obsessed with being able to see my bones, but ultimately, I still found areas of fat that I was unhappy about.

From ages 18-21, I fluctuated between 110 pounds and 125 pounds. The two relationships that I had within that time frame were abusive. Part of the abuse consisted of pointing out that I was getting “fat”. Mind you, I was still less than 125 pounds. So, I remained stuck in this battle until I ended the last abusive relationship. After that, I still had slight issues about being concerned when I ate “too much” or “too often”, but I eventually started to gain my weight back.

From age 22 until earlier this year (I’m 26 now), I was in one relationship. He was the complete opposite from those before. He told me how beautiful I was every single day and got me comfortable with food again, probably a little too comfortable, haha. Regardless of the weight I gained while in the relationship, he never stopped telling me how beautiful he thought I was and how much he loved me. I miss that most about him. He is the only person in my life that helped me feel good about myself, and I don’t even think he knows that!

But, the relationship has ended. Now, I overeat and am starting to go down this path of unhappiness again. I find myself comparing my appearance to an old high school friend. The friendship ended because of how enabling we were to each other with destructive behaviors, such as drinking, drugs, and partying. She’s much thinner than I am now, and I envy that. I’m starting to miss my restrictive eating habits and my extremely low weight. I know this isn’t a good thing, but my mind is bouncing back and forth between not eating and eating regularly. This has occupied my mind lately.

By no means am I advocating for anorexia or unhealthy eating habits. This is solely what I am, or have been, experiencing. I do not promote eating disorders. I acknowledge my problematic eating behaviors and plan to return to my therapist for cognitive and behavioral therapy. If you struggle with something similar, I advise that you seek out a health professional that can assist you in long-term recovery. I only advocate for happy and healthy living, but do struggle with my own personal issues.



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