Reflecting back through the previous 12 months is difficult. 2018 has been a year of intense change for me, to say the least, and the year closes as I still search for my true self.
I’ve added some skills to my repertoire, many that I am unsure to pursue even though it can come with an enormous financial gain. But money isn’t everything, right? It doesn’t buy happiness. I don’t see the point in making an effort in something that doesn’t make you truly happy. This life is short and I shouldn’t be wasting this time on a career that I don’t truly enjoy. You might say, “It’s just a job!” You have your opinion, I respect that, but putting up with something ‘just because’ isn’t something that I was taught. I was taught to fight for and pursue the things you love and believe in.
Earlier this past year, my 4 year relationship ended. I didn’t necessarily lose myself as a result of that relationship, but I put myself in the back of my mind. I’m codependent and a people-pleaser. I never felt good enough and never felt like I met the standards of his idea of a girlfriend. He can probably say the same thing about me. It was a toxic relationship that slowly withered to nothing. I’m still sad about it, but I’m doing a lot better than I expected.
After two and a half years, my lawsuit from my car accident finally settled. My therapist asked me recently if I felt relief since it was finally over. Surprisingly, not really. I’m glad that it is one less thing to worry about and finally have an answer to. It was a long and unnecessary battle with a horrible insurance company. I am thankful for some of the things that came as a result of this accident in early 2016, but the fear of another car accident is still very much alive.
This past June, my fur baby turned 1. Not to be dramatic, but she has helped me immensely throughout this year. From the breakup to questioning myself and my decisions, she’s always there to paw my face and squeak until I feed her (she doesn’t meow, lol). Instead of dwelling on things from the past, she helps distract me and keeps a smile on my face. I never really understood how emotional support animals helped, but now I do.
New years resolutions were never really my thing because, well, I never followed through with them. And life happens; Sometimes our resolutions need to be put on the back-burner, and that’s absolutely okay! I will be starting out 2019 with structure. I have a planner where I will track hour by hour, list what I’m grateful for, keep count of how much water I drink, and make sure my good habits are followed through daily. The beginning of January includes a recovery program that I will be going into, not for drugs or alcohol, but for depression and anxiety. I must read more and watch Netflix less. School will be a top priority for me and I must believe in myself, that I can finish these classes with good grades. I will do more than the bare minimum to get by and start building up my independence.
Resolutions include feelings of ultimate failure if you don’t follow through. Instead, I will promise myself to try my hardest. I will remind myself that I am not perfect, I will have relapses, and I will have bad days. As long as I try, I am not a failure. I will learn what works and doesn’t work for my true self. I will find my path and not stray from it. I will stay true to myself.
Here is to a much better 2019!
Left to right: My new bicep tattoo (yes it hurt); One of my favorite Christmas gifts from my brother and his girlfriend; Lotus and her pretty lil eyes; My sister, who just turned 8!; Myself with my new hair done a couple of months ago