How can you tell?

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“The day I came out of my depression…”
“My depression cycle has ended…”
“I don’t feel depressed anymore…”

I keep seeing stuff like this across multiple blogs. I don’t understand it.

How can you decipher the moment that your depression has lifted? Is there a particular feeling in your gut or thought in your head?

I yearn for those days where I can say, “Yes, my depression has lifted for now and everything is okay!”

I’ve been diagnosed with major depression for most of my life now. It isn’t something that I have, it’s something that I am. I don’t want it to define me as a person, but it is also something that can’t be ignored. I cannot be in someone’s life and leave depression at the door. It comes with me. I can change many things (e.g. job, location, significant other, car, diet, etc.), but this is the one thing that can’t be changed.

Sure, I can relieve symptoms and live a more productive life, but it is not like the flu. It is still there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for a damaging opportunity.

Recently, I’ve been questioning my medications. I can’t not have them, but I feel as if they aren’t as effective as they once were. Personally, I feel as though serotonin is being overly targeted while dopamine is being completely ignored. I’m not sad. I’m not suicidal. I don’t have insomnia; Actually, quite the opposite. I don’t have a poor appetite; Again, quite the opposite. I have a difficult time staying awake and a difficulty with motivation and reward processing.

While I’m not underestimating my problem with serotonin, I also don’t want dopamine neglected. Currently, I am on 2 medications that influence serotonin and 1 medication that influences dopamine and noradrenaline.

I’m not a doctor. I don’t have a medical degree. Hell, I could be extremely wrong for all I know. To me, I just personally feel like I need more attention on the dopamine neurotransmitters.

I want those days of high motivation, high energy, and a feeling of being on top of the world. Some people will probably question “Why in the world does this girl want to be in a state of ‘mania’?” I just want my motivation and energy back. I am so tired of being tired.

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One Reply to “How can you tell?”

  1. There was never a day or moment for me when I stopped feeling depressed or realized it. I just remembered living and not having all of these usual terrible thoughts. My head became quieter. I stopped thinking and second guessing everything. I found myself just stopping for a moment to breathe and to let myself feel good. I stopped holding onto things and started letting things go. There never was an exact moment or point. I still have low days, grey days, and high days!

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